Coming Out

 

Coming out? Until when?

I remember when I first started my transition, I was 16 years old. I secretly bought myself so called hormone tablets. I consumed it for three months. Just a few of my high school best friend knew about it.

I saved most of my expenses that my parents gave me. Slowly I bought myself a dress and wig. Young and wild me, always dress up as a woman going to club and bar with my best friend. Literally every night is a must going to club. Spending most of my youth scared to come out because my parents definitely will be angry with my decision. I used to drink a lot, I remember there is one night after party wild, we went for supper, guess what? I vomit from the restaurant to the lobby to the toilet, along the way it is my vomit. Since then I quit drinking.

The most dangerous place is the most safer place, I hide my dresses and wigs behind the door. For years my dad, didn't realized I have my dresses and wigs just behind the door. It was creepy thou, whenever my dad walked into my room, but thank goodness he never realized it. Until one day, when he sneakily walked into my room when I am not at home, cut all of my dresses burned my wigs. As soon as I returned home, I was sad. Thinking how am I going to club without my dresses and wigs? Thank goodness my best friend is very supportive, they lend me their dresses.

At 19, couldn't really afford the hormones tablets that I was taking so I put aside for a while. At that time, I'm taking Hotel Management course. At same time, I was trying to grow my hair longer because I knew I wanted to become a woman. One of the HR officer were so angry at me because I refuse to cut my hair for graduation ceremony. He wanted me to become a man but I refuse. At the end, I'm the only student who didn't show up on the graduation ceremony because my hair was way too long. I use to be his favorite apprentice, because when I went for the interview I was the top student, at a young age I am the only student that can answer all of his questions. I didn’t know if I had disappointed him.

After I graduated Hotel Management, I further study at KL taking Interior Architecture course, which being suggested by my mum. So I flew all the way from KK to KL. I started a new beginning, started to take hormones again, started to become more and more feminine. It is awkward when you need to live with 11 guys in the same house, just because you were born as a male. Luckily, all of them are so supportive, I am the leader among all. When my breast started to develop a bit, one of my guy friend (straight) who noticed about it. At that time, I was so shy. I cover myself literally every day with jacket. Within a year, I have decided to come out. Thanks to my roommate who being so supportive asking me to come out, be myself.

I save up some money, straighten my hair make it look even. And I realized I started to become a swan from a ugly duckling. People used to call me names like “Pondan Cacat”. Because my breast is half way develop like "Nasi Lemak 20 Cent", barely know about makeup, barely know how to dress up. I don't have what you called "Mami"; a transwoman who being a transgender for quite some time, that guide other transwoman to become more beautiful. I refused to have "Mami", because I don't want.

It took me years to become more and more beautiful, because I was on my own. I underwent my transition based on my own research. It took me 2 - 3 years to understand what is transgender. There is a dark side of me, which I am a transphobic towards transwoman who work as a sex worker. That was long time ago, until today I've learned a lot. Lower myself and tried to understand their situation.

I am so thankful to my roommate, who giving me courage to come out become the person who I am. He is the one who bought me dresses and heels, want me to become beautiful. Show the world of fashion to me. Thank you Azha, without you I am not who I am today.

The picture that was taken by Jessica Lia is being published in Vogue Italia on November 2019 "Trans Issue".